Black And White And Bred All Over: Woot Weads The Wire

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Lindsay Lohan has filed a $100 million lawsuit in New York's Nassau County Supreme Court, claiming an E-Trade commercial features a baby modeled after her.

Experts say this suit puts E-Trade in a clever bind, because if they actually respond by calling Lindsay Lohan a stupid, self-centered know-nothing idiot baby, then their answer can be used against them in court.

BASINGSTOKE, England (UPI) -- A British man said his girlfriend accepted the video marriage proposal he arranged to have screened before a showing of "Avatar" at his local movie theater.

In a related story, cam-quality copies of the proposal have been released on every major torrent site, but purists are still waiting for the DVD rip.

LONDON (UPI) -- A toy company is marketing a product in Britain that allows canine owners to receive communications from their dogs via social networking site Twitter.

The toy will have 500 pre-loaded messages, including "Bark!" and "Arf!" and "@woot lol so true visit my website okay" and "Hey, is this you? http://tinyurl.com/5u5p1c10u5l1nk"

YORK, England (UPI) -- British scientists say they've discovered a mechanism that might lead to a new way of converting wood and straw into liquid biofuels.

On this heels of this news, frightened little pigs huddled together in houses of brick, praying for their safety.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- Officials at Washington's National Zoo said female panda Mei Xiang showed no signs of pregnancy during an ultrasound exam Monday but it may be too soon to tell.

The situation is described as utter pandamonium.

URBANA, Ill. (UPI) -- An apple a day may indeed keep the doctor away by reducing inflammation associated with obesity-related diseases, U.S. researchers say.

U.S. marketers say that this new slogan will never catch on.

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (UPI) -- U.S. scientists say they've discovered crickets are able to warn their unborn babies about predator threats.

The newly released findings have Hollywood considering an entry into the potentially lucrative sci-fi/action cricket market.